Conscious Dating: Being the Observer

The beginning stages of dating can wreak havoc on our nervous systems. So much uncertainty, anxiety, attraction to people who may or may not be healthy choices for us, fantasies and projections. It can be a lot. I jokingly refer to dating as “hanging out with strangers” because when you think about it, that is pretty much what it is! 

If we desire a relationship there isn’t much of a way around dating (believe me I’ve tried to find one!). So here are some tips to guide you to date and relate in a conscious manner, align with your desires quickly and avoid running in a hamster wheel.

It is very important to get clear on what you want to co-create. What are the qualities that you desire in a partner and what are your dealbreakers? If you aren’t sure what you want, think about what you DON’T want and then ask yourself what is the opposite of that? When we know what we don’t want, we know what we DO want. I can help you with this process and creating a clear vision.

Having clarity around our vision will prevent us from getting distracted by the first person we are attracted to (shiny object syndrome) without paying closer attention to the details that will help the relationship last. Check in with yourself mentally as you date people and ask deeper questions in conversation to really learn about their values. Also be aware that the sooner you enter into a sexual relationship, the sooner our judgement is clouded by hormones which make it harder to see clearly.

The first 3-6 months of dating is the “observer” phase. We need to remind ourselves that we are getting to know someone and observing the dynamic between us and them, how we FEEL in their presence and also how they act in various situations. Instead of needing someone to act a certain way, just be the observer of how they are showing up and then check in with yourself to see how it feels for you. If something happens that feels off it’s an opportunity to practice showing up for yourself and communicating your experience

It is also very important to be as open and as vulnerable as possible when sharing about ourselves so that they can also get a clear picture of who we are. If being open and honest about what we are needing or wanting scares someone away – GOOD! I know it’s not always easy, but it would not have ended up being aligned and we are saving ourselves pain down the road. As one of my coaches Ed Ferrigan said to me years ago “You can’t go wrong when you tell the truth”. 

Dating consciously is a constant dance of checking in with ourselves and making sure we are tuned in to what we are needing and also observing the other person and how they show up. As always, having infinite love and compassion for ourselves in the process is the only way. Most of us were not taught how to relate in this way. We are learning to do things differently and create different results.

I have found it invaluable to have the support of my coach during this to help me tune into the vision that I want to create and ensure that I am acting in alignment with it to create a conscious partnership. I am here to do the same for you! To explore further I invite you to book a consult call with me (link in bio).