Perfectionism is a trauma response that is born when we were not allowed to make mistakes or judged harshly as children. Our subconscious mind imprints the believe that “I have to be perfect to be loved” and we project that impossible idea onto ourselves (and others but we’ll get to that in a bit).
This is not to shame or judge our parents or caregivers because they did the best they could with what they knew. Chances are they also experienced having a critical parent and are carrying those patterns into another generation – because that’s how these things work.
When I was little I remember striving so hard to meet these impossible standards and nothing ever felt like it was good enough. The pressure I felt was internalized and created a lot of anxiety which then led to emotional meltdowns which confirmed that I was the “problem” of the family and kept the cycle going.
As I got older I attracted partners who pointed out my flaws and perpetuated the belief that I wasn’t good enough. Our beliefs are powerful and we will unconsciously choose people who “prove us right”. As I healed I realized that the more I love and accept myself, the more I attract people into my life who do the same.
Throughout my healing journey I continue to be reminded that “perfect” doesn’t actually exist. It is a subjective construct. My idea that I have to be perfect is what keeps me in chains because it is an impossible goal that will never be realized.
Instead I offer a reframe that making mistakes is a part of life. No one is perfect and life is constantly giving us feedback about what works for us and what doesn’t. If we didn’t make mistakes how would we learn and grow?
The other piece around perfectionism that I found fascinating is that if we have these impossible standards for ourselves, chances are we also project them onto others. Creating really high expectations that will ultimately lead to disappointment since we are all human and subject to human frailty.
What belief are you holding that is keeping you in chains? Subconscious work allows these limiting beliefs to be uncovered and shifted which allows you to have a whole new experience in the world.
If you need some support with this – I invite you to book a call with me: