It takes two to tango and challenges and conflict don’t happen in a vacuum. Even if the other person is responsible for 95% of the issue, we are still responsible for 5%. In the healthiest relationships both people are committed to looking at their part, owning and acknowledging any hurt their actions have caused and willing to repair whatever impact was created (even if it was not intentional).
This takes courage on many levels. It takes a willingness to be humble and bravery to show up vulnerably. Especially since most of us were taught that vulnerability is a liability.
Many of us were not taught how to relate to others in this way and so our framework for relating looks more like “attack” and “defend” which creates more pain. Add in the fact that anytime we point the finger at someone they are automatically wired to point the finger back at us for their own protection and we have quite a cocktail of aspects that contribute to discord.
If both are willing to show up and learn to do things differently – miracles are created.
But what about when one person is willing and the other one isn’t?
In that case we really have two options. We can keep trying to get blood from a stone and keep hoping the other person finally shows up, breaking our own hearts over and over again OR we can take our energy and our power back and move forward.
Of course this can be easy to say and hard to do depending on the situation – but if you’re the only one trying it may be the only way to take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself may look like allowing yourself to feel the emotions, getting some outside support and doing the best you can to let go and trust the process of life even when it feels like something is really wrong. It also may look like accepting the reality that we are not going to get what we are needing and being with the grief of that.
In these cases I ask myself: Who do I want to be in the world, regardless of how anyone else is or isn’t showing up? Is the action I want to take (or not take) in integrity with who I want to BE in the world? Is whatever I want to do (or not do) aligned with my core values?
This is a BIG ASK a lot of the time because we come up against our own narratives, protection patterns and defenses that want to take action from a place of hurt.
I also ask myself if I have done everything in my power to work through this situation while still honoring myself and my heart (because in the past I have ignored the honoring myself part).
If you are operating from a place of integrity and accountability and someone else is not, they will likely fall away because you are actually vibrating in a different energy field and on a different frequency. On a human level this can feel devastating AND other people will come in who are on the same frequency as you – I promise.
Also if something is meant to shift I believe it will come back around and be re-organized and corrected and if it isn’t then there isn’t much we can do to change anything so let’s stop breaking our own hearts and allow the flow of what IS supporting our peace and well-being, shall we?
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