If only THEY would X (insert whatever we want them to do here) then I could be okay – does this sound familiar?
The formula for misery is wishing people, places and things were different than what they are. If I have learned anything in the last very intense 3 years it is that people are human and that as humans we are all subject to human frailty and therefore fallible.
All of us have a unique lens through which we view the world that is created by our past experiences and past traumas. This lens creates our interpretation for different things that happen in our lives. No two people will interpret something exactly the same because we all have different experiences of the world. All of our experiences are valid.
The closer we are to people the more they will mirror back to us any of our sensitivities, core wounds, and past traumas. This is especially true with family or romantic partners. One of my good friends recently reminded me: “Your family knows exactly how to push your buttons because they installed them!”
We are all basically walking around projecting any unhealed core wounding that we are carrying onto those closest to us and then reacting to it. This is why it can be said that nothing is ever personal.
When this happens it can be very difficult to navigate if we are not aware of what is happening within us at a deeper level it can be very easy to blame THEM for what is coming up within us (and vice versa). Any time we point the finger at someone else they will automatically point the finger back at us and we will be at a stalemate.
The only way to free ourselves is to be willing to come back home to ourselves and give ourselves whatever we feel we are needing from them. I know for me one of my biggest challenges in this human experience is the deep need to be heard and understood. When things come up with people I love I REALLY want for them to UNDERSTAND and VALIDATE my experience so that we can return to a space of love and connection and one of the most painful realizations of my life is that some people are not able to do that.
Pain caused in relationship dynamics can be so deep because it is touching on old core wounds and past pain and if it’s with family – even the original dynamic that caused the pain to begin with.
We must bring the focus back to ourselves and take care of ourselves when this stuff comes up. Can you find some relief in remembering that nothing is ever personal (even when it REALLY feels that way). You are projecting some unhealed things from your past and they are projecting some unhealed things from their past. Can you have compassion for yourself and for them and be willing to accept that you have both co-created a bit of a human mess together?
Your experience is VALID (whether they agree or understand it or not) and them understanding you is not a reflection of your inherent value as a person. Here are some steps that can help you remember that:
- Bring your focus back to yourself and allow your nervous system to become regulated. Take some space from the dynamic. Resist the need to take immediate action.
- Get some support from someone who is able to give you what you are needing (coach/therapist, trusted friend).
- Talk to your inner child and create that space of love, acceptance and understanding that they are craving
- When you are ready reflect on your side of the street and take action to clean it up (and totally surrender the attachment to them cleaning up their side of the street)
- Be willing to accept others exactly as they are
- Pray for healing and support for everyone involved and pray for the highest outcome for everyone involved
With the holidays coming up it is likely that the intensity will be turned up with these dynamics so please have compassion for yourself and others when they do. Sending you all love and prayers for peace, connection and healing within yourself and your relationships.
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