Perfectionism is a trauma response that is born when we were not allowed to make mistakes or judged harshly as children. Our subconscious mind imprints the believe that “I have to be perfect to be loved” and we project that impossible idea onto ourselves (and others but we’ll get to that in a bit).
I went into my story about my past and my subconscious beliefs and why I tend to be drawn to things that aren’t always healthy for me despite all the inner work I have done and he listened…and then he said “Jess…your story doesn’t mean shit!”
We project our unhealed core wounding from childhood onto our romantic partners in an attempt to finally have the corrective experience that we crave. Whatever needs that were consistently left unmet in childhood created imprints in our subconscious that drive us to seek the fulfillment of those needs as adults.
The way we relate to other people and to all of life is based on the internal landscape of our own minds. As within, so without. We learn our framework for how to relate based on what we experienced in our homes as children and often we subconsciously recreate similar dynamics in our lives as adults.
It takes two to tango and challenges and conflict don’t happen in a vacuum. Even if the other person is responsible for 95% of the issue, we are still responsible for 5%. In the healthiest relationships both people are committed to looking at their part, owning and acknowledging any hurt their actions have caused and willing to repair whatever impact was created (even if it was not intentional).