If only THEY would X (insert whatever we want them to do here) then I could be okay – does this sound familiar The formula for misery is wishing people, places and things were different than what they are. If I have learned anything in the last very intense 3 years it is that people are human and that as humans we are all subject to human frailty and therefore fallible.
We pay a heavy price for not taking 100% responsibility for our part in a dynamic – and the price is that we can’t change it. Pointing the finger at someone will lead them to point the finger back at you and then you are at a standstill. It is never all one person’s fault. Even if the other person is 90% responsible for their part, we are still 10% responsible for our part.
Intermittent reinforcement (aka hot and cold) is the STRONGEST type of reinforcement. There have been studies done with rats to demonstrate its addictive nature. Two different groups of rats in cages had a lever to press which produced food pellets. In the first group every time they pressed the lever a pellet came out – these rats were fine and just learned to press the lever when they were hungry. The second group of rats the pellets came out intermittently and the rats ended up pressing the lever on repeat until they died. Until they DIED guys! That’s how strong intermittent reinforcement is.
We have been trained in a society that encourages us to work harder, produce, get it done, and burn ourselves out to get the outcome and results that we want. This can work to a certain extent in some areas of life – but it really doesn’t support us with dating.
I went into my story about my past and my subconscious beliefs and why I tend to be drawn to things that aren’t always healthy for me despite all the inner work I have done and he listened…and then he said “Jess…your story doesn’t mean shit!”