Do you ever find yourself desiring authentic connection and terrified of it at the same time? I know for myself, and many of my clients, we experience this specific duality which is usually the result of relational trauma from our past. I personally just want to fast forward to the part where it is comfortable and easy, versus sitting with the uncertainty of dating someone new.
If this is also your experience it is likely that you have experienced a level of trauma within your relationships so your brain stores these memories and reminds you that “last time this was not safe” and “love equals pain” and your body goes into a state of dysregulation any time one of these memories is triggered.
We have a biological need for closeness and a simultaneous need for safety and it is confusing for the nervous system. It is hard and feels scary. It’s something we need to work through if we desire a beautiful authentic connection. So how do we navigate this?
It requires a level of awareness around what is happening in our bodies so that we don’t go into shame and self-judgement. It requires infinite compassion for ourselves and learning to create that feeling of safety in our own bodies so that no matter what happens, we can come back home to safety within ourselves. It requires listening to yourself and your body and taking time and space away whenever needed to allow yourself to regulate. It requires learning to trust yourself above all else, knowing you can remove yourself from any situation at any time because you source your own feelings of peace.
The first few months of getting to know someone is the “observer phase” where you recognize that you really don’t know this person and you just sit back and observe how it all unfolds, courageously showing up as the most authentic version of yourself – because if they don’t align with that version of you, they aren’t a fit anyway.
It is important to get clear about what you want to create in relationship so that you don’t get distracted by “shiny object syndrome” or intense chemistry and abandon your dedication to your relationship vision.
This process can feel very daunting, especially if you are newly single, or have not ever experienced healthy, safe, connections. I am here to help. I really believe it is so important to recognize how common these feelings and patterns of behavior are, and get ourselves support whenever needed. You don’t have to do this alone!
Book your complimentary consult call and let’s chat more!