As I walk through my own growth journey it has become increasingly obvious that our society has some interesting ideas about what emotions are acceptable and what emotions are not. Many people who are not comfortable with their own emotions and will show up trying to shift your experience for their own comfort – painting a yellow happy face over your struggle – which actually bypasses the very essence of the treasures that can be found within the struggle.
I recently lost someone who I thought would be my partner in life. I have done a TON of inner work and I believed I had gotten to a place where I had grown as much as I could on my own, and now it was time to continue the journey with a partner.
We were on the path together, doing the work together individually and as a couple. I saw this as a beautiful gift and was so grateful. It wasn’t always easy, but it was so worth it to me. I was “all in” and fully committed and he seemed to be too. We had survived a pandemic, unemployment, multiple crises, and navigated various challenges within the relationship and we were stronger because of all of it.
I am mindful of protecting his privacy as I share this story, so I won’t go into too much detail on his end, but I will say that I believe he got to a point where things in his own life became too much and he went into a survival response of shutting down and running.
This is an old pattern that he had, but he (and I) believed he had evolved past it – but that’s the thing about patterns – if we aren’t consciously working to re-wire your brain, chances are we will ultimately regress in times of stress or turmoil. Just another reason why it is so important to do our inner work, know ourselves, and make conscious changes, or our unconscious beliefs and patterns will run our lives.
This loss, for me, has been particularly devastating because not only am I feeling the gravity of the loss of him in my day-to-day life. I am also experiencing the loss of dreams I had for myself and our partnership AND I am also experiencing PTSD from past developmental trauma that has been activated as a result of this breakup.
My deepest trigger is abandonment/loss of connection which I have experienced throughout my entire life. With this work there are always layers and I have worked through MANY layers and this is the deepest layer I have and it is now ready to be healed and alchemized. It is on the surface now because I am ready and I am going to heal it.
I noticed that well-meaning people have been saying things to me that only increase my pain. “At least you weren’t married/don’t have kids”, “At least you found out now”, “This is going to make you an even better coach/even stronger”, “Focus on what you want to attract rather than the pain”, and so on. I know people care about me and are trying to help AND I see that it is so difficult for people to sit with me in my intense emotions and they want to say or do ANYTHING to shift me out of it.
When trauma is activated and you are just trying to get through each day, applying spiritual principle does not help. Yes I know that the concepts are true and that following universal law will ultimately be what shifts this experience for me – I am not there yet.
I also know that trauma is something that exists in our cells, that we carry in our bodies, and this experience has activated every painful loss that I have ever had throughout my (almost) 40 years on this planet. It is no joke. It is visceral. Your body and brain are literally hijacked when it’s activated.
I believe there is a time and a place for all of our emotional experiences. Do I want to feel this level of pain? Hell no. Is it possible to rush myself through it or bypass it completely? No. I liken it to a broken bone. If we break a bone, we need to allow the time for it to heal. It’s the same with our hearts. When painful things happen and we resist the pain, we are pushing against it and this actually makes it stronger and more painful versus accepting our experience for what it is.
The thing that has helped me the most is people who sit with me in the darkness, they don’t try to paint a yellow happy face on my experience, they just GET that being a supportive and loving presence is the only answer.
Most of these people have done a TON of their own work, so they are at a point where they are able to hold space for me and my pain. This is another pro to doing our inner work – as we learn to hold ourselves through painful experiences our container for others becomes much larger and we can do the same for them.
I share all of this because if you are struggling in a trauma response I want you to know I see you. I can help because I know personally what it is like and can provide techniques to heal it so you can experience what you desire (rather than unconsciously hijacking it). Many people in your life will not understand the depth of your experience. I am not one of them. Reach out if you need support.
It is 100% possible for you to learn a new way of thinking and being in the world. Our thinking patterns and programs run our lives (whether we are conscious of them or not) and it is very challenging to walk the healing journey alone.
Whether you work with me, or with someone else, please give yourself the gift of support because you are worth it! The shifts happen quickly! Imagine you start this week and by next week you are experiencing actual changes in your life – that is what happens!
As we heal our trauma and patterns (inner world) our outer world also shifts. Our souls are very wise and will keep unconsciously recreating similar pain so that we have the chance to access what is stored in our bodies and ultimately free ourselves by releasing it. It is the work of a warrior spirit. Are you ready to be FREE?