We Subconsciously Recreate What We Grew Up With

There is one thing that I see consistently when supporting individuals and couples in healing their relationship dynamics and that is that we subconsciously choose the very partner who will shine a light on whatever within us needs some attention, healing and integration.

This is not bad or wrong – it happens by design. Our partners are like spiritual sandpaper. It is actually a gift (usually in ugly wrapping paper!) to illuminate the places where we are not yet free so that we heal and have a different experience and ultimately liberate ourselves.

We are typically subconsciously drawn towards whatever “feels like home” in varying degrees and also drawn toward the dynamic that we experienced in our homes as children. For example if you grew up with a father who is unavailable you may find that as an adult you are drawn to people who are unavailable.

We all have a set of triggers that the people closest to us will activate (and we will do the same for them). If we do not understand this (and most of us don’t) we may think that something is very wrong when we get triggered in the dynamic with our partner and go into survival mode (fight/flight/freeze/fawn).

The intention isn’t not to ever get triggered. It’s what we do with the information that the trigger provides that gives us the keys to our own liberation. 

Most of us were not taught how to have healthy communication and navigate conflict when things come up and so we do what we have always done, or what we witnessed the adults in our home do, and it works until it doesn’t work. At which point we are left wondering how to shift the dynamic, how to heal, and how to create more connection, love and intimacy.

If we do not take the time to invest in learning the tools to communicate in a healthier way and giving ourselves a safe space to process, heal and integrate the places and spaces within us that keep getting activated within the partnership – then we will keep experiencing the same discord repeatedly.


Free yourself from the looping cycle and hamster wheel and book a call with me here to learn more:


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